Humor in Uniform by Editors of Reader's Digest

Author:Editors of Reader's Digest
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Readers Digest

* * *

On the wall of the mess hall of one Marine Corps base:

“This food must be good. Ten thousand flies can’t be wrong!”

— JOE TURMAN

* * *

I was golfing with a soldier who had just returned from Afghanistan. His plans included becoming a greens keeper once he was discharged in a few months. He applied to a local college for its golf course superintendent program, but the department chair worried that he might not be up for the job. “It’s stressful,” he said. “You have to fight the weather, insects and demanding club members.” “Will anyone be shooting at me while I mow the grass?” asked the soldier. “Of course not.” “I’ll take the job.”

— BILL BAILEY

Upon retiring from the service, my husband, Don, needed a new ID card showing he had gone from active duty to retirement status. But the photo taken of him was not particularly good. And he wasn’t at all quiet about it. “If I have to carry that ID around with me for the rest of my life,” he complained to the photographer, “I want a better picture!” “Want a better picture?” asked the photographer defiantly. “Then bring a better face.”

— NANCY WALLIS

Flying into a Middle East Airport, my copilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings. Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him on board. “Sir,” I asked, “will this be your first carrier landing?” Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. “Son,” he said, “I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters.” “That’s good to hear,” my copilot said, winking at me, “because this will be our first.”

— KENNETH J. TONELLI

I recently returned to work after a year abroad with the Army Reserve. On my first day back, a visitor from headquarters took me aside. “How are you?” he asked, looking concerned. “Do you feel all right?” “I’m fine,” I replied, nonplussed. “Great!” he said. “I heard that you were away from work for a year because you were in a wreck.” It took a minute before it dawned on me what he meant. “Iraq,” I said finally. “I’ve just come back from I-raq.”

— DEREK SCHNEIDER

Eager to speak military English the way the pros do? Then remember this simple rule—the most basic word comes first. For example: Trousers, Green, Male; Truck, Cargo, 4x4. On a recent trip to the Air Force Academy commissary, I saw, written on the side of a large carton, yet another example: Melon, Water.

— JOSEPH R. SIMKINS

My office collects care packages of snack food and reading materials to be sent to the Army Reserve stationed in the Middle East. Among the suggestions for gifts was rat poison, apparently to deal with a persistent problem in their housing units. “That’s a first,” I said to my coworkers.

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